Recently, I have been reflecting deeply on my style of leadership, communication, and engagement in my community mahi around digital inclusion. Throughout my career, people have often commented that I was “too nice”. While I initially took this as gentle criticism, deep inside, I knew it was something different—something subtle, strategic, and deceptively strong. What others saw as niceness, I recognised as a deliberate, thoughtful veneer, allowing me to see beneath the surface, understand deeper dynamics, and respond with clarity.
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This approach has a name I’ve recently discovered: Radical Gentleness.
What Exactly Is Radical Gentleness?
Radical gentleness isn’t merely about being nice, passive, or polite. It’s an intentional stance that combines compassion and strength, softness and assertiveness, clarity and care. It means actively choosing empathy and openness, even when it feels easier to harden or withdraw.
- Radical gentleness isn’t about weakness—it’s about fierce kindness, maintaining your integrity without dominating, shaming, or dismissing others. It’s about compassionate boundaries, deep listening, and gentle yet firm responses in difficult situations.
I’ve realised this deeply aligns with my own approach, particularly my longstanding commitment to digital inclusion and working with vulnerable communities here in Whanganui.
Why Radical Gentleness Resonates Deeply with Me
Radical gentleness connects profoundly with my experiences. Throughout my working life, from my time at the Hillary Commission in the 1990s promoting fair play in sport (“play hard but fair”), to my recent independent mahi on digital inclusion, I have consistently tried to balance strength with care, assertiveness with empathy.
- Working in areas that are complex, fragile, and often confronting, gentleness becomes a powerful tool—not simply as a nice-to-have veneer, but as a strategy that creates space for real conversations, genuine insights, and meaningful progress.
Yet, Radical Gentleness also raises challenging questions:
- Can someone who loves competitive sport like rugby genuinely be radically gentle?
- Can a radically gentle person ethically eat meat, knowing it comes from conscious beings killed for consumption?
- Is Radical Gentleness merely subjective morality, wrapped in self-delusion?
- Does openness and gentleness inevitably leave one vulnerable to exploitation?
Let me unpack these openly and honestly.
Navigating the Difficult Questions
- Can Rugby and Radical Gentleness Coexist?
My background includes a deep appreciation of rugby—a sport built on controlled aggression, teamwork, and resilience. Can these values coexist with Radical Gentleness? Absolutely—but not without tension.
The ethic of “play hard but fair” from my Hillary Commission days aligns closely here. Radical gentleness demands ethical intensity, fairness, respect for opponents, and humility. It requires participants to recognise the humanity and vulnerability in each other, even amidst fierce competition.
- Eating Meat and Ethical Responsibility
Can a radically gentle person knowingly eat meat? Here, the answer is less comfortable. Radical gentleness compels me to face the realities behind our food choices without flinching. If I choose to consume meat, radical gentleness means acknowledging fully the moral complexity and discomfort it entails. It requires honesty about my choices and their consequences—rejecting comfortable illusions.
- Subjectivity and Self-Delusion
Is Radical Gentleness just another subjective morality? In part, yes. Humans are inherently subjective, often crafting narratives to protect themselves from moral discomfort. But Radical Gentleness seeks to strip away comfortable illusions, demanding ongoing personal honesty, asking consistently: “What can I truly live with?” It challenges us to confront our hidden hypocrisies and to grow through them.
- Vulnerability to Exploitation
Perhaps the toughest challenge is that Radical Gentleness does open us to exploitation. I have experienced this risk firsthand. Gentleness can become a target for those who mistake kindness for weakness. However, Radical Gentleness does not imply passivity or permissiveness. Instead, it insists on fierce discernment—clear boundaries, unapologetic honesty, and decisive action to protect ourselves and others from exploitation. It is gentle, but not naïve.
How Radical Gentleness Informs My Working Style
In practice, Radical Gentleness guides my mahi in digital inclusion by:
- Creating psychological safety in meetings and workshops, allowing people to be themselves fully.
- Facing difficult realities openly, without retreating into comforting myths or convenient simplifications.
- Balancing urgency with patience—recognising genuine change happens sustainably, not forcefully.
- Practicing gentle assertiveness: clarity without aggression, kindness without complicity.
My Radical Gentleness Code
To clarify and anchor this approach, I’ve drafted a personal Radical Gentleness Code—an intentional ethic guiding my professional and personal conduct:
- I choose presence over performance.
I meet others as they are, openly and without pretence. - I use kindness as a lens, not a shield.
Kindness helps truth emerge safely and genuinely. - I protect softness with strong boundaries.
My gentleness is respected through clear, unapologetic limits. - I do not look away.
I acknowledge harm, complexity, and moral discomfort directly. - I stay generous, even in conflict.
Understanding precedes persuasion; cruelty is never an option. - I rest, because I am not a machine.
Gentleness includes compassion for myself—rest, reflection, and joy are essential. - I walk away when the path is extractive.
My role is to nourish and support—not to be exploited or consumed. - I hold hope without illusion.
I act on realistic optimism grounded in what truly exists. - I do not weaponise my ethics.
My gentleness is quietly lived, not worn as moral superiority. - I remember that gentleness is radical.
Being gentle in an aggressive world is subversive and courageous—I embrace it proudly.
A Gentle, Provocative Invitation
While Radical Gentleness is primarily internal—a compass rather than a slogan—I share it here as a statement of intent and as a gentle challenge to others. What if this concept were adopted widely? What might workplaces, communities, and conversations become if we prioritised gentle strength, respectful truthfulness, and mindful presence?
- This blog is not a call for everyone to openly label themselves as “radically gentle”—but perhaps it’s an invitation to quietly embody this ethic. Perhaps it’s an encouragement to explore where gentleness might become powerful, provocative, and transformative in our personal and professional lives.
I offer Radical Gentleness not as an easy solution or a catchy phrase, but as a deeply challenging, continuously evolving practice. It’s a practice that requires courage, discernment, and integrity—but one that might profoundly reshape how we lead, live, and relate.
- I warmly invite you to reflect, experiment, and perhaps even embrace your own radically gentle path. Let’s find strength in gentleness together.
Click here to download a printable copy of the code 
This blog post is a collaborative creation by Alistair Fraser, with the innovative assistance of OpenAI’s ChatGPT 4.5 and 4.o, highlighting the synergy of human creativity and advanced AI technology.